Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
