He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
