Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
