They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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