and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
