Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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