Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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