Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
