you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
