He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
