If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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