i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
