I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
