Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
