after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
