youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
