I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
