i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
