The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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