you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
