He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
