I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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