I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
