Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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