We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
