WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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