Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
