A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'm at about main and main street
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
