Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
