these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
