just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
