We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
