I wish my penis had an off switch
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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