Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
