end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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