There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
