Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
