May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
