eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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