Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
