I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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