The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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