it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
