Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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