I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
