my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
