Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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