I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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