Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
