last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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